7 ways to spoil any conversation
A friend complains about a problem that, from your point of view, is solved elementary. Says how bad he is. And you are going to explain what he was wrong with, what should he do … Do not do it. Do not share advice when you are not asked about it. Let’s talk more about this and other typical mistakes that can ruin the conversation.
Imagine the situation: the leader entrusted the team of your friend with the most difficult project, which eventually failed. And the worst thing is that one of the colleagues accused your friend of all troubles. The boss was furious, and a friend got a lot.
He shares his misadventures with you. Worst of all, if instead of simply supporting a friend, you react in one of the following ways.
Lengthy reasoning
Believe me, now is not the time and there is no place for phrases like: “Everything happens by chance”, “What does not kill us, makes us stronger”, “Maybe this is a sign that the work does not suit you”. Having pronounced them, you make the interlocutor understand that you are just too lazy to delve into his problems, and you get off with general words.
How to do it
Listen carefully to a friend, repeat the essence of his story in your own words to make sure that they understand correctly (and so that he is convinced that he is heard). If you are sure that you know the decision and it can help, ask if you need advice. And do not get off with general philosophical phrases.
Interrogation with predilection
“And you did not understand that in case of failure, this colleague can dump everything on you?”,” And it was impossible to immediately ask for more time to implement this project?”,” Maybe it was not worth taking on such an unbearable task?”,” And how could all this be avoided?” – such questions make the interlocutor feel that you blame him for everything.
How to do it
Ask a friend about feelings: “You are probably very difficult for you. How you cope?”,” Someone helps you now?”, “What can I do for you?”. So you will show that you are listening to the interlocutor and that he is not indifferent to you.
Uninvited psychotherapy
You should not make “diagnoses” and disassemble the situation, especially if you are not asked about it, even if you are sure that the whole thing is in the suppressed anger of your friend or in that he speaks of another “language of love” than his boss.
How to do it
Believe me, nobody
likes to feel like a laboratory rat under a microscope. Moreover: most likely, the interlocutor himself knows what the root of the problem is. And if not and you want a friend or partner to be more conscious … Try to leave this desire with you. The path to awareness is not easy and requires time and intensive work. In this situation, just try to listen carefully – or, as an option, ask: “Do you want me to help you understand the reasons for what happened or just stay nearby and listen?”
Specific tips
Unlike the “Home Psychoanalyst”, who loves to understand the roots of the problem, the “Master of Soviets” seeks to repair everything as soon as possible and gives out something like: “We need to go to the boss and apologize”, “Do not even think-get fired!”,” You simply have to take revenge on that colleague “.
How to do it
Recognize the right of the interlocutor to feelings – anger, despair, resentment, irritation. After he feels that you are entirely on his side, you can ask if it is interesting for him to listen to your advice (having previously agreed that you, of course, are not an expert).
Depreciation
This behavior causes a person maximum psychological damage, since his feelings are denied. Just imagine – it hurts you, and the interlocutor says: “Come on, everything cannot be so bad”, “Everything will pass”, “Maybe you are just dramatizing?”,” This happens all the time, you just react too sharply “. So we deny the reality of the feelings of another person and show that we are not ready or not able to look at the world with his eyes.
How to do it
Demonstrate the maximum of empathy and care, emphasize that you recognize the right to feel the interlocutor.
Protection of the opposite side
Do not act as a devil’s lawyer and offer: “Let’s look at the situation from the point of view of your boss? I am sure that he didn’t just break into you ”or“ Surely a colleague had a reason to do this. Maybe he was afraid that after such a failure, one of you would be fired, and he will feed his family?”
How to do it
Say better something like: “I can imagine how you are angry at the boss. Do you want to try to figure it out together why he behaved like that? Or let’s talk about how you feel?”No one argues, it is almost always useful to look at the situation through the eyes of the second side, but this is not a paramount step. The main thing is to let a friend feel that you are near, what are you for him.
A pity
Do not be limited to the phrase “I am sorry” or, conversely, to aggravate the situation, saying: “Poor! And why are you so lucky ”or“ I am terribly sorry for you. You have a disgusting job “. In addition, you should not tell similar situations from your life, hoping that the interlocutor will somehow help the story about your failures.
How to do it
Try to understand what the interlocutor feels: “I can imagine how insulting it is when they scream at you after everything that you did”, “and how you felt at that moment?”. Remember, this is the story of the interlocutor, not your. Do not pull the blanket over yourself.
Of baclofen 10 mg course, we do not always manage to listen to actively and sympathetically. But, having noticed one of the strategies described above, slow down and think about how to respond differently, so that a person next to you becomes easier.